Hello, all my t-shirt & yoga pants sisters!

It’s been a while since my last post.  It’s not because I haven’t thought about each of you who choose to read what’s on my heart.  My prayer before I post anything new is that He would be glorified in the words written and each of you would be encouraged in some way.  So, I’ve made it half way through at least 3 separate new drafts and don’t have the words, yet, to finish them out.  I’m not a professional writer, but I’ve learned it’s easy to get frustrated and impatient when you can’t always find the words to explain what’s in your heart.  But, much like each our spiritual journeys, writing is a marathon–not a sprint.

Within the first 24 hours of diagnosis, our family’s cancer journey landed us 4 1/2 hours away from home and a 6 1/2 weeks stay at St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital in Memphis, TN.  Over the course of those first few weeks, I had the blessing of meeting some other families traveling a cancer journey with their child.  I vividly remember one of my first times exploring the halls of the hospital while trying to find my way to the cafeteria.  I saw many children with masks covering their faces.  They were babies, toddlers, young children and teenagers.  Most had smooth, bald, little heads and some had large scars on their head.  Some had tubes coming out of their noses while others were sitting in wheelchairs leaned over a vomit bag or because they were missing a leg.  Many little children were sleeping in wagons being pulled by a parent who looked as if they hadn’t slept in days.  There were also kids with heads full of hair, running laps in the waiting rooms as if nothing was wrong, but the medical armband on their wrist told me they were the patient.  I remember thinking, “Am I seeing everything that will happen to my son over the course of treatment?  Are all of these children just in different stages of treatment? What’s my son going to be like in a few days, weeks, months?”

Before our leukemia diagnosis, I had very limited knowledge of how many different types of childhood cancer there are.  Now, I have a better understanding of what was witnessed during that first trip around the hospital.  Many of the precious children were dealing with different types of cancer, therefore had different side effects.  Some were receiving chemo, some radiation, some both.  Some were on high doses of steroids and others had finished treatment and were there for an annual check-up.  Before our diagnosis, I used to cry when I saw the St. Jude commercials on TV.  Today, I still cry when I see the commercials, but for many more reasons.  Not only do those commercials show real children with cancer, we see some of those exact children in the hallways of the hospital when we are there.

When I hear the stories of other cancer children, their harsh side effects from treatment, relapses, complications &/or death, it hits too close to home.  No parent wants to hear any of those words.  I can’t count the times over the past 17 months when I have been brought to tears because my heart is broken for another mother who has received bad news regarding their child’s cancer or side effects from treatment.

Each person in our family has grown in different ways throughout this process.  God has increased the capacity of my heart and opened my eyes in countless ways.  I’ve never really asked, “Why, God? Why Us? Why my son?”.  From the start, I knew He had allowed it to happen for some reason, even though I didn’t like it!  I just knew I didn’t want to attempt to travel this road without Him.  Since He sees the bigger picture and I don’t, I’ve found comfort in constantly searching for the lessons he wants to teach my family and I along the way.  I’ve learned when we consistently try to take this sort of mentality in a trying situation, our ears, eyes and heart are more in tune to hear God speak and watch God work.

This post has gotten a little off topic from what I thought it would be about, so I’m going to turn a different direction.  When you enter the cancer realm, it’s pretty easy to form an instant bond with others walking a similar path.  For these special bonds, I am thankful.  We talk, message or follow each other’s Facebook or Caring Bridge pages.  When things are going good with their children, we rejoice with them.  When things aren’t moving in a positive direction, we cry with them. For me, this rejoicing and crying happens whether I “personally” know the child and family or not.  It is easy to get so involved with being concerned for these families that it creates unnecessary worry in my mind about our own cancer path.  “If this child’s blood levels were elevated and this happened, then I better take a look at my son’s blood levels to make sure our medical team hasn’t missed something.”  “If this child was doing good and everything started to suddenly go bad because of a tummy pain–I better pay extra close attention anytime my son says he has a pain.”  These if, then statements could go on and on.  Sometimes it is necessary to take a step back and remind myself to count each day as a blessing.  Here’s the truth…God doesn’t want us to be consumed with worry, doubt and fear.

Praise God!  My husband was blessed with the ability to remain steady when my entire being wants to freak out.  He helps remind me who is control and helps me re-focus sometimes.  There’s been a few instances over the course of treatment where we both agreed we should question something with our medical team.  (Thankfully, we have a loving, patient and understanding medical team–we sure love our doctors and nurses!)

Here’s what this post boils down to:

1. The enemy has us exactly where he wants us when we allow ourselves to be consumed with worry, doubt and fear.
2. No matter what trial we are facing in life, as Christians, we must continually try to capture our thoughts before they run wild on us.
3. Then, remember who those negative, fearful, worrisome thoughts come from.  (Hint: they don’t come from God)
4. Then, yell it out loud if you must and remind the enemy he has no power over your situation because God is in control.

God tells us to not be afraid.  God tells us to trust Him.  Why do we often need reminded of this?  God is bigger than any worry.  God is bigger than any doubt.  God is bigger than any fear.  God is bigger than cancer.

John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Psalm 56:3 “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.”

2 Corinthians 10:5 “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”